RiPe WiT d3cAy's Journal RiPe WiT d3cAy's Slashcode Journal en-us Copyright 2004, OSTG - Open Source Technology Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 2012-01-25T04:39:49+00:00 Me Technology hourly 1 1970-01-01T00:00+00:00 RiPe WiT d3cAy's Journal I try... because? Argh, FUCK THE PERMANENT record! God, this shit is so fucking confusing.. what the fuck do I do now? No Jenn.. no Ashley.. no Emili.. NO ONE. I fucking hate this.. The only people I have.. are my cat, and you Felix.. this is so fucking difficult.. i wish this girl could understand I can't do anything.. but she just doesn't want to get it through to her head.. Oh my fucking god alksdjf<nobr> <wbr></nobr>;lakjdfklaj;wdflkjacl,svmla, rk FUCKING CHRIST! Mwahahahaha, that fucking retard Chris got hit by a car, he fucking deserves it, the bastard. FUCK this shit.. I want to stay single, that's fucking it.. just FUCK relationships. Good luck on Stephan's and Emili's though.. hope they made it farther than I did. I know they, I was just a fuck up. What am I talking about? I'm STILL just a fuck up. " after all these images of pain,have cut right thru you, i will kiss every scar<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.... i g2g i love u bye bye " What the fuck do I do about this shit?! This girl is so fucking confusing!!!! Al;k ajdFzFalksdfjlk;adfsjlkagj Fucking Loki.. Felix, Help me damnit! I don't want to see this fucking Counselor tomorrow.. I'm going to fucking pour my heart out for NOTHING.. and I'm going to start crying, and then i'm going to start hurting even more, and cutting, and I don't want to fucking deal with this.. what the fuck is wrong with asking for a NORMAL life?! FUCK! OmFg.. a friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said, "All I want is a day where NOTHING goes wrong.. where I'm happy the WHOLE day. Not one piece of shit happens.. where I don't argue with my fucking mom, sister, grandparent's, ANYONE.. I just want a fucking normal day.." Shit.. that's pathetic.. My friend asked, "What about presents" and I said.. "Oh.. I forget all about that, I don't even want any"... what a fucked up life.. and you know what? FUCK YOU, Brynn BURN in hell you little bitch of a sister! Sadistic little cunt-whore! Drink cum and die, FAGGOT! RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-02-24T02:28:47+00:00 Apple Updated finally.. Wow.. holy shit, been so long since I've updated. Oh well, matters not. What's up Felix? Long time not write, heh.. Nice to be back, I need to get some shit out, man.. so just listen like you always do.. Well, It definitely is over between me and Emili, at least I know now, so I'm not wondering and shit, she still loves Brian.. Doesn't bother me, it's just that.. i don't want her getting hurt again.. He sounds like a bastard, but she loves him.. why? I don't know.. not really my business, so I'll stay out of it.. I downloaded so much fuckin' rap tonight.. like 10 songs from Kazaa.. and I finally got MY SONG! Usher, Yeah!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..It's so pimp.. heh, it's my Stripping/Moshing/Raving song.. Because.. i can.. just do it, so UHHH! Yeah, anyways.. it was nice that Emili opened up.. she needed to get it out, and I'm glad I was there for her.. but yeah.. i'm alone.. =\ sad.. i don't like it.. but do i have a choice? Em's dad said I "flirt alot" i dont think so.. but even if i do, im aloud to.. its not big deal, isnt that how most people meet and get to know eachother anyways? im not attatched to anyone, so i CAN flirt if i want.. besides, none of the people i "flirt" with want to go out with me, or like me or whatever.. so fuck that! all of it *shrugg* hmm.. what else to write about? i was.. going to get off and call Em at 10.. but it didnt seem like she really wanted to talk.. and i dont go to the curb anymore, cuz none of them want me there.. i know im annoying and shit, so i just stay away, and stay with my friend Kat by the Bush.. *sigh* Im tired.. and im finally going to go to sleep i guess.. i want to try and go skating w/Emili next saturday, if she can go.. she'd have fun, and she wouldnt have to worry about her problems.. but she'll prolly be with Nikki.. *growls softly* Night all.. Bye Felix, keep it tyte pal.. By the way.. don't forget to look out for my upcoming band, (Kylie Boned Me Rotten) RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-02-02T04:06:24+00:00 mysql I guess this is it... Now it's a clan of uber monkeys.. *Shrugg*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. I guess this is it between her and I.. I don't want it to be, and I wish there was something I could do... *Silhouettes, Smile Empty Soul* This whole CD is depressing.. and it all reminds me of her, because she introduced me to them.. *Sigh* I miss her.. like hell, and I can't tell her how I feel, and it kills me, just looking at her and feeling this way.. I need to tell her.. someone.. I can't keep this all bottled inside of me.. I can feel myself slipping, Felix.. Help me, pal... I Hate feeling like I need to kill myself to get her attention. I hate feeling like I can't have anyone for me in my life. I do NOT need to feel this way at the age of 15.. I hate these fucking emotions that take over me, because then I can't control myself.. I'm fucking obsessed, aren't I? No.. I'm not, I just care for her that much.. I read Emili's updated profile, and I'm not sure if it's referring to me.. but if it is, then I guess she hates me now.. But is being nice and not telling me.. I DON'T want to fucking lose her.. I need her, right now especially, I don't want my mom, or anyone else helping me through this... just her.. Felix, fucking help me.. I'm going insane... And I can't even tell her how I feel.. And I want to SOOOO bad. I just want to tell her... I love you, still.. and I told you, I always will.. we may fight, but it doesn't mean I don't love you.. After we fight, all I want to do is run to you and cry on your shoulder, and just tell you how sorry I am for fucking up.. Not like anything happened, just.. to make up.. not forget about it.. but just.. keep going.. I don't want to lose you, Emili.. I love you.. Bye Felix... RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-01-17T15:25:18+00:00 debian Squadron of Random Yeah.. right, whatever. *Sigh* Hey, Felix, how are you? Sorry, it's been a while.. damnit. Amber was crying today, made me sad.. Wish I could do something, but it was better that Stephan broke up with her. My day.. was okay, I guess.. No, not really, it was shitty too... I left to go smoke with my friend in the morning, and then I came back about ten minutes before the bell so I could see Emili, never saw her so I just waited for class to start.. Well, before A3 I saw her talking with Miranda, and I was heading over to go say hi.. but she left, so I was all.. W/e.. Then I asked Miranda what happened, and she told me "Oh, well she says you're not talking to her"<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..I didn't see her in the morning so I COULDN'T have talked to her.. god.. I tried to talk to her at lunch again, she just fucking ignored me... Fine, whatever.. If she wants to ignore me, then I'm just going to ignore her, I don't need headaches and heartaches, nor do I need to be played around with.. So yeah.. fuck it all.. I really don't give a shit anymore.. I'm just going to fucking kill myself within the next month.. Bye Felix.. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-01-14T21:26:34+00:00 Apple Examn Day 1 Evening Felix.. =) How are you pal?<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Not much going on here.. just.. *Shrugg* Staying alive.. Nothing bad, anyways.. Just missing Emili.. it's days like today that make me miss her alot.. I went over to her house (by way of ghetto scooter.. lol) Before I went over, and she called me.. we were talking about smores.. heh.. Marshmallows and graham crackers.. mmm *Wink wink* hehehehe.. I think she uh.. wasn't too pleased about that, though. Yeah.. So, anyways.. lol, I got there, everything was cool.. we were just playing with the puppies and all that good stuff.. (Nikki was there, but we had fun.. it's never Nikki i'm mad at.. It's Emili when she brings Nikki on our dates.. but w/e.. anyways! We lit off some bottle rockets with her brother.. Lmao that was the best, until one landed about 5 feet away from us because it didn't fly! Mwahaha.. Me, Em, and Nikki ran.. it was scary! But yeah.. and then.. out of nowhere.. she just kind of leans on me because "she's tired" and I don't mind at all, so it's good.. and then.. from then on, she just kind of kept leaning on me.. I didn't like it when she took the frickin cough medicine because it was 10% alcohol.. *Sigh* and then she wondered why she felt sick. =( at least she didnt take any pills.. that scared me the most.. God, I hope she never does that.. especially with that many.. I would kill myself.. because I know that's what it would do to her.. kill her.. *Shivers* Fuck that, I don't even want to think about shit like that.. so anyways.. yeah.. she got tired, and just.. leaned on me.. it was nice.. Made me feel like we were going out<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. goddamnit, I REALLY need to get over that.. we're not going back out, she won't do it again, I know, I know.. *Sigh* Quit dreaming, Colin.. But yeah.. I wish we could be like that all the time.. cuddly.. and happy.. I dont know if its ME, or just that there was someone there.. but she was happy when I came over.. Dont know what I'm doing tomorrow.. (Two minutes till 12.. lmao) Not much of "Today" left.. I want to see if I can go skating, or see Emili.. I don't care.. (preferrably see Emili, of course) Maybe take Emili skating if she can? That'd be nice.. don't know if it will work.. so yeah.. Damn.. Don't know what else to write.. oh yeah... I wonder if Maria.. is going.. to say anything to Emili.. I hope not... Good night Felix! Bye, the rest of you... RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-01-10T05:02:54+00:00 tips Guess Who's Back? Back Ag- - No one cares, beezatch. Fuckin' christ.. I wrote a poem today.. well, a chaos raged free write.. I want to make it a song, but I can't find it so I can't share it with all you crackheads. (Well, 'cept for a chosen few) Went over to Emili's the other day.. why am I so stuck on her Felix? I don't like this feeling, especially when it's not mutual, i know she's not stuck on me.. her dogs are cute.. and she's such a perv.. and Hershey Kisses.. eww.. *Shakes his head* Yeah.. New Years.. sucked.. basically, except for me going skating from 7 pm to 6 am.. that was so pimp, i needed to do something really bad at art today.. but i couldnt, so i just wrote all my feelings.. i'm not a scary person, am i? I hope not.. but i scared this one girl with my free write.. *Sigh* I need an effing job.. so i can buy my own shit, or waste it on dumb stuff.. I want a drum set.. good set is about 799 or so.. yeah, where the fuck to come up with that.. Getting Chimaira tomorrow, hopefully.. that'd be nice.. i got a new Tekno CD from a friend today, that was good.. hmm. Felix, fucking help me.. There's an ex girlfriend of mine that won't leave me alone.. kind of.. i mean, we talk on the computer.. but just to say hi and leave basically.. why, all of a sudden out of nowhere, is she coming up to me and all this, she's (Single now too)<nobr> <wbr></nobr> "we" can do "whatever we want" what, she wants me? I don't get it, I've always been blind at times like these.. Argh.. i want my song.. it's deep.. and it is scary.. i don't think you'd like it, only a few have read it.. found it freaky.. but what the fuck ever.. i know people read my journal, and i forget then i put down thoughts that i dont really want to get out in the open. Oh well, anyways.. I'm.. whee right now.. And i need someone right now, but can't have them.. what the fuck is up with me? Why am i this way? Why cant i be happy without this person.. why do i feel that i could spend the rest of my life with her.. we were walking to VBE today.. and i was walking with her, and just teasing her.. ( *Cough cough* handlebars *Cough cough* ) heh, and then when she "wanted me to go" I was all like, "Oh so you WANT me to leave?" and she kids around and says "yep" So I got all "mad" and stuff, and didnt pay attention to her, she asked me to stop being so grumpy and then she walked away.. she almost left me.. if i hadnt stopped and ran my stupid ass over to her.. did she really believe i'd leave her without a hug?<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. Hell no.. i wont.. not if I dont have to.. i want to hug her, and never let go.. and.. i want to tell her something.. but i cant.. not anymore.. but its still so strong in my chest.. and i hate it.. because i cant let it out no one i can talk to, but you, Felix.. thanks for being there for me<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. ah, runny nose.. fags.. Yeah, me and my "mini club" is pimpin.. i wanna get Emili over here and dance in my room.. heh I wanna get her high off her ass, and see what would happen.. hee hee.. (j/k) I looked so sexy with my make up today.. i want to do that more often.. whew boy.. make me wanna cream myself *Cough* Yeah, and then I had a hat and some glasses.. i was so Pimp! Ahaha.. I wish, anyways, you crackas have fun readin my shit? Hope so, if not.. yeah, fuck ya'll niccas.. Anyways. I don't give a shit.. I'm going to go die now. Peace. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2004-01-08T01:52:55+00:00 sourceforge Just another day A day, just a day, just another day.. *Nods his head to Linkin Park, Meteora, Easier to run.. then switches tracks to Faint* Hmm.. well, what's goin' on all? I just updated my shit... Oooh, hello Felix. How are you this afternoon? School was all right.. I failed my French test.. But I have an A so its okay, as long as I dont fuck up up again.. Yeah, i was write Kt is mad at me. Someone told me again.. Oh well I fuckin' give up.. on<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Everything it seems.. Except for Emili, because I'll never give up on her. There's something on her mind, and I don't know what it is.. and she doesn't want to tell me.. and I can't/won't force her to tell me.. It's just that, I might be able to help.. *Sigh* Or maybe not.. I'm not the fuckin' smartest person in the world anyways, so a lot of things I say are just worth shit, and don't change a thing.. Yeah. I want to frickin' just get to the house. I don't want to wait anymore.. we're supposed to bring some shit there today.. Man, I see Eddy and Vanessa always making out or kissing and cuddling.. and I wonder why Emili and I don't do that.. well, we cuddle.. somewhat.. I guess I just need to develop some fucking balls and go in for the kill? Yeah.. if you (you know who you are) hate me, why do you bother reading me shit? *Shruggs and mutters something about hypocrites* But.. I mean I can't even give her a kiss before she leaves.. and I was going to today.. I just.. I don't know, got nervous or some shit.. I've kissed her 2ice.. and I've known her for 3 months and 18 days.. that's pretty sad.. but i mean.. am i the only one supposed to make the move? and Megan told me that she thought I was flirting with that girl Nikki or w/e..<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..No offense.. but HELL No I don't like her.. she's cool and all.. but people say Jenny is annoying? I don't even know this person.. and don't like her *Shifts to Breaking The Habbit* "I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be all right so Im breaking the habbit breaking the habbit tonight I'll paint it on the walls cause im the one that falls ill never fight again and this is how it ends"<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Lovely.. I think That's a great idea.. but I can't.. and wont't, only for my love.. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably wouldn't BE here right now.. I was walking by the park (like I do everyday) (Creative Playground) and thinking about when I really MET her.. it was the last day of school.. Melissa, Nikki, Jenny (I think) and Her were all there.. I was there with someone.. Evan I think *snarl* If he comes back and starts more shit, I swear I'll kick his ass again..summer was bad enough, i hated it.. but w/e. Yeah, anyways I was there and I saw them<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..we only talked for a few minutes.. before they left.. I remember telling myself how I could never get a girl like Emili.. or that she'd ever like me.. I wonder if I just died that day, and am still dreaming.. I hope not.. or if I am, I just never want to wake up and find out that she doesn't even know my name still.. *Sigh*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..I love this journal.. and I think I've written enough for one day.. Ooh, wait, one more thing.. I swear by the end of this year, I will fucking MURDER Mrs. Danskin.. with my chainsaw.. hack her head off, slice open her gut, then hang her off a bridge with her entrails wrapped around her neck.. that scares me.. *Shiver* sorry for ppl with weak stomachs.. Yeah, I'm done.. *Flips her off again*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Fuckin' whore.. *Nod* Bye all.. Enjoy. Sidenote: (Thank you for being here for me, Felix.. you're a great help.. =) ) Mm, be sure to read my other journal too.. I wrote last night when I couldn't sleep. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-12-11T20:13:15+00:00 redhat Uh, like, rap, like cheesy rap, like yeah *Still feeling stalked* *Sigh* Evenin' Journal.. I need to give you a name... I think Felix will do. *Nod* My journal is now named Felix. Praise him, or you shall be chased down and hacked with a chainsaw, beezatches. Yo, Colin had some freestyle chit da utha day with his brah, JameZ, ya'll! Mm.. we got the keys to our house yesterday, Tuesday.. December 9, 2003. Like you all care. *Scoffs* Hmph. Whatever. I just want to fuckin' move in already..*Sigh*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Yeah, Katie says she "doesn't care" and the whole deal "doesn't matter" But I know that's shit.. Man, I have to fuckin' deal with Danskin tomorrow. I just wanna.. UGh! This morning she talked shit to one of my friends about me.. behind my back. First of all, if you're a teacher, you can't do that shit.. So lay off me!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..*Snarls and flips her off* *shakes his head and leans his back against the wall of his cold secluded Shadowed corner, knees bent and eblows resting upon them*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Man.. I think I pissed Emili off.. I hope not =( I hate that.. She wasn't feeling that happy or something.. so I told her "Don't make me preach to you"<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..but it seems it's the only thing that helps sometimes, whether either of us like it or not..and she said "W/e" again.. and I hate that.. it just makes me think she's going to do something bad. She promised me she wouldn't and I trust her.. But people slip.. *takes in a deep breath and releases it slowly, staring at the floor, a blank expression on his face* I just don't want to lose her.. I couldn't fucking call her tonight because of this damn work.. And I'm still not done.. I'll finish it tomorrow morning.. if I ever get to sleep.. which I doubt.. I couldn't stand losing Emili.. I can't I can't I can't I CAN'T! On the bright side, I got an old friend to talk to me again.. *Shrugg* Little things make me happy.. Stuff like that I mean. Special shout out to her : Stay cool, LiZ. Drummers kick ass! Yeah, I made a new AIM s/n<nobr> <wbr></nobr>...would you be surprised to find out that it's RiPe WiT d3cAy ? Didn't think so. Add me, anyone that cares.. The rest of you.. I'll find you with my chainsaw at hand.. Yeah, well.. I'm going to go intoxicate my self with cyanide or arsenic.. or both. =) I shall see you all when I stop residing in my reality of self-hopelessness. Sweet nightmares. Happy demon hunting under all of your beds. Except for a select few. I love you Emili.. Don't be mad! =*( Heh.. Good night, Felix! It was nice chillin' witcha, mate.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Bloody hell, have I turned Aussie? RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-12-11T04:43:50+00:00 postgresql Goddamnit ...That's what I said. "Goddamnit" I hate this.. My day.. was ugh. I bombed my frickin' math test.. I know it. I make one test great (Chem) and I fail another one miserably. I hate this.. I had Emili worried about me because I was feeling shitty. I'm sorry love, I didn't mean to not tell you right away either, I just didn't want to to talk to anyone at that time.. I won't be sad/mad as long as you aren't either... And don't worry, I'll stop.. since you promised me.. Then I promise you, I'll stop.. NO MORE. And that means you too. I have to frickin' do this Chemistry time line.. that's due TOMORROW.. I bet I'll bomb that too. Oh frickin' well.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>...Yesterday, in art.. I was chillin' after not having the best morning.. and I started rapping for the hell of it, and Katie was throwing some journal at me.. well I got pissed and threw it back, but I wasn't aiming at her or at anything, just for it to go back.. And it hit her on the cheek.. and I didn't fucking mean to! I'd never hit a girl on purpose! I wouldn't even dream of it... I'm being too loud with my typing in the library.. I WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL.. Or anyone else.. not really.. I'm soft.. *Sigh* Goddamnit! It's a fucked up world, a fucked up place, everybody's judged by their fucked up face.. Limp Bizkit, Hot Dog. Listen to it.. great song. I'm sorry I hit her, but I can't do anything about it NOW, can I?!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>...And she tells me to drop it.. ARGH! *Screams in rage and thrashes around his padded cell, throwing himself into the wall*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Damned restraint jacket doesn't help me much either.. Well, I really don't know what else to write.. But I better get started on that damn project. Yeah.. Beat me up later, all!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... (-_-) You homos.. Emili, I love you.. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-12-09T19:39:59+00:00 plugins *staggers to the puter chair and starts typing exhaustedly* Yeah.. what's going on? Oh yeah, writing about my day(s).. Not too bad.. Emili and I cleared some things up... promised me something, and I just hope to<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..whoever, that she keeps it.. I don't want to slip, and I don't want her to slip.. for all of you people that have been reading my journal from school.. uhh.. thanks I guess.. You can leave comments if you want.. You can bitch and scream and yell and tell me how much of a bastard I am. But it still doesn't change things in the end. &gt;=) Sorry. Emili.. I love you.. Two days until I get the keys! And that week I'll finally be moving! Weekend I'll be still at home while you're out partying'..Keg parties, and gettin' stoned.. Lmao! And I can't come!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>:'( Well anyways.. the 19th will be OUR day.. just you and me.. I dont care what my mom says, Ill close the door if I want.. Lol.. we can go for a walk around the neighbor hood too. No reason why, just for fun, I guess..*shrugg* *nods his head to The Used* mm..Emili, this is your doing.. got me listening to all this Punk.. but that's good, now I have a variety.. I've listened to other oldschool punk.. But it's different now.. Yeah, no idea wtf i'm writing about, lmao. I'm high off of enchiladas.. or h/e the hell you spell it.. Grr.. Me and Katie.. are I dunno.. I feel not doing too well.. because.. oh who knows.. I'll never know whats going on.. and I hope she finally found someone who will treat her right =) Ooh.. Last night was so pimp.. Got to go skating.. fom 5-11<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. my feet hurt like FECK!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Yeah, this little girl was hitting on me, it was SO funny.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Emili said she'd come and rape me when I move in.. when I'm sleeping.. I better lock my doors.. I hope I don't forget one.. *Hint hint* lol! j/k<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Hmm, what else to write about.. I love these journal things, i can write w/e I want, and no one can tell me different.. I just don't like that whole "(This will go down on your permanent record)" shit.. Sounds like they "have me on file" and can stalk me or some crap.. But whatever.. Ack, I hate that word. *head bangs to the music* well umm.. hmm. I was rated an 8, 9, and 10 today! yay!;key=WMN Copy and paste that link if you wanna rate my hott self!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>;-) You know you wanna! Right, anyways, reality check *Nod*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. I think I'm off.. I love you Emili, rest of ya'll<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Peace out cause dis FrEaK is BiZoUnCiN outta herre! Oh yeah, I started break dancing during the megadance thing last night, did this headspin thing, and it looked SOOO feckin' cool!!!.. and everyone was rooting for me, even the D.J.. only problem was.. I didnt do it on purpose.. so no skrills for Colin.. Lol! Well yeah, good night all! *Head bangs even harder, knocks himself out and lies unconscious on the floor until he wakes up and writes in his journal again* RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-12-08T03:29:30+00:00 redhat ..What the hell do I do? I don't care if this entry "goes down on my permanent record." Anyways.. okay.. today.. was fucked up. I don't know, it wasn't all that cool except for when I almost blew up the lab in Chemistry &gt;=)<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. Anyways. My girlfriend didn't talk to me at all.. basically.. just a hello/goodbye type of deal. Okay, she wants space.. I understand that. But she could at least tell me in the morning, so I'm not worrying about it the WHOLE day. I don't mean to treat her like a porcelain doll. I just try to be a gentleman. I apologize for it.. if you want me to stop, tell me. Fine, I won't wait/watch you in the morning in front of your classes anymore since you hate it. If you want to talk, you can come find me. I won't go stalking you anymore. Hmm.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.what else? The poem should have been self-explanatory. Just open up.. don't close me out.. Please.. I told you what will happen, and we promised eachother we'd tell eachother everything from now on. But so on, the resaon why I "freak out" when you don't talk to me.. is because I hardly get to see you.. and we don't spend all that much time together, because of me being grounded, and us having school. But.. Not just that, at lunch.. we kind of hang out, and you don't talk to me..Why? If you need space, just TELL me. Don't leave me hanging.. =( I don't like that. If you want to go off and chill with your friends, I don't mind at all, you have the right to do that, you're not on a leash. I told you, I just don't get that much time to hang out with you. That's why I'd like to stay with you as much as I can. If you're going to go off, at least tell me.. And if I'm not going to see you for the rest of the lunch period/day.. I'd like a hug at least.. You could do that much.. I don't know what you mean by "You don't always have to be right by me to be with me" but whatever. As for the me the me thinking youre going to hurt yourself.. you just told me that you cut yourself yesterday.. what am I supposed to think? You want space and time to think about stuff? Fine. Will do. When you want to talk, you can come find me, I won't go bothering you. *Nods his head to The Gorrillaz, Clint Eastwood* Mmm hmm.. right. Well, yeah, the rest of the day wasn't all too good. I don't know what else to fuckin' talk about.. so if you guys have any comments.. just write on here.. and I'll check it out later. I just don't want to loose you, Emili.. but fine, you want space, I'll give it to you. Come to me when you're ready or you've figured things out. One love, peace out all. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-12-04T20:58:52+00:00 perl Hmm.. Blah Heylo journal.. I had fun today. I went to the mall with Emili and Nikki.. I actually didn't mind her being there, we got along and it went fine.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... I had a WEIRD ass conversation with Emili last night.. but yeah, I won't be talking about that in public.. she knows what it was.. ermm.. Lucky #3.. RIIIGHT! Anyways.. Lol We went to the mall today, and chilled.. We didn't do much, just walked around and acted like FrEaKs as always.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>...NO! December 19th draws ever nearer.. I dread that day; the day she leaves for Utah.. ARGH! I'll be fuckin' going INSANE! Just like the girl on Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Vrmm vrmm! Right, anyways. hmm.. Don't know what to type.. I went to the library with Emili yesterday.. and kissed her again.. finally.. after three months.. and Today, (The 26) was our Anniversary! (I don't care that we kept going out on and off)<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..It's so cool! THREE MONTHS.. Not too long.. and when it's Emili's birthday, (April 26) it will have been 8 months! An anniversary and birthday.. Suh-weet! Lol.. yaaa.. that conversation was really weird.. really really weird.. Anyways. My mom said I could probably get the chair I wanted from Spencers! I also showed her the posters, the black light and the strobe light and she said i'd probably be able to have them... KICK ASS! Mwahahaha *Laughs maniacly* Right.. well.. * Nods his head to Limp Bizkit* Heh, it's a RaWk night.. I got a new bag today, it wasn't the EXACT one i wanted, but it's close enough, and Emili can help me decorate it! Hehe.. I'm going to fucking miss her so much when she leaves.. *Sigh* Anyways, no bad thoughts.. just happy thoughts.. Emili, I love you sooo much baby! I'll talk to you later.. the rest of you, i hope you enjoyed my journal.. Pfft RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-11-27T00:31:57+00:00 linux Dude.. I'm in love.. Wow... After spending every second I could with Emili today.. I really really.. really.. REALLY think.. I'm in love.. holy shit, it freaks me out. But.. I love this feeling, except when I miss her so much it HURTS!!! I want her, like HELL! In every way possible.. I think our "relationship" is going really well.. i'm so fucking glad that we decided to stop fighting, and just start telling eachother everything.. Then I can help her with any problems she has.. I just hope she trusts me enough to tell me. My mom said I can go to the mall with her tomorrow, if I finish my work.. so yeah, have to finish that damn crap. I don't care WHAT I have to do, as long as I can spend time with her... She's my everything.. lol, this music is funny.. "When I move, you move, just like that, When I move, you move, just like that." Big Luda! Lol.. anyways.. Yeah, listening to Rap tonight.. Unfortunately, Emili is at the school football game.. and I can't go *mutter*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. I need to call her tomorrow morning.<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Omg!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..I can't believe some fuckers messed with our house.. They threw paint all over the fucking place, then tried to throw something through our wall!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..Omg.. I hope everything will be okay, I don't know if it's someone tha tknows me, and wanted to piss me the fuck off, or whatever.. Or if it was just some random bitch, trashing a house.. If it was someone that knows me, and has beef.. Better step up bitch, because your actions are writing checks that your ass won't be able to cash.. You best step the fuck back, I'll hack your ass wit my chainsaw... I'll skin your ass raw.. and if my day keeps going this way, I just might BREAK YO FUCKING FACE TONIGHT!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. So, stay the hell away from my house.. Emili.. omg.. I love you.. Good night journal, I'll wrote more when my mind thinks of more.. Heh RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-11-21T23:32:48+00:00 debian Good day =) Ahh.. today was good... This morning was okay, had all my work turned in for English. I saw Emili this morning.. for a little.. yesterday, we hung out at the library, and it started raining, so went to go play out in the rain! It was so much fun! But then, before she left, she was cold, so i let her have my shirt.. it was so big on her.. and she looked so cute in it.. =) it makes me happy... to know that we care for eachother in the end.. no matter what. That's a good thing though.. now if we can only get around the whole not trusting eachother thing, i think we'd be fine. She said i was right, so hopefully in future relationships we'll be able to talk about things when we have problems.. Katie and I broke up last night.. It wasn't.. good.. but it wasn't bad either. It relieved a lot of stress.. I mean.. REALLY. I like Katie a lot.. but i think.. we weren't really feeling the "click" so.. at least we can still be best friends and stuff.. tell eachother anything and everything... Katie, you still da bomb..! Emili.. i love you.. with all my heart.. if you read this, ask Jenny to give you that note i wrote to her.. it may help us out.. who knows.. if not, then come to me, and we'll talk about it. TODAY we went to the library again. Unfortunately, she could only stay until four.. but we had fun.. looked through books wiff purdy piccies... made jokes... talked.. kind of cuddled through the hallways.. heh.. it was nice, and it made me feel that i was cared and loved for.. i hope she felt the same way.. then we went outside and Emili told me about her<nobr> <wbr></nobr>..uhm.. "pole" lol.. it was just a joke, but it was funny. THEN I MET PHIL! (i hope thats how to spell it)<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. Phil is Emiliciou's baby squirrel! He was so cute! She told him what to do, and he'd go do it.. Phil went to go visit a friend that was.. "expecting"<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... *Clears his throat*<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. yeah.. Eww.. A2 sucked today.. we went over papers, then we watched this movie on Binge Drinkers.. LOVELY.. you know, people drinking WAAAY too much, then passing out, or going into comas, and maybe later throwing up on their own vomit.. Jimmi Hendrix style (R.I.P.) *Sigh*.. then she basically had to go.. i... didnt get a kiss from her.. but i dont know if i should or not.. and then my frickin MOM had to be gay and tell me I cant go out with her until AFTER Christmas-Frickin'-Vacation!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. Flaming Homosexual.. (heh, used your insult Em) i want to kiss her.. really badly.. that small<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. little Kiss we shared before i left at 8:25 and 21 seconds.. it made sparks and fireworks fly.. i dont know how she feels about it.. and now, here i am writing this<nobr> <wbr></nobr>.. so I'm going to go now.. Fare well RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-11-20T21:26:12+00:00 slashdot What a day Goddamn, what a day.. It was.. I don't have a name for it, but oh well. I don't know what was up this morning and Katie.. but hmm. I hope she's not mad at me or anything because of the whole Emili thing. I also hope Emili isn't mad or anything, though she has the right to be.. sort of. I basically dumped her to go out with Katie, but it's not working out because I'm still stuck on Emili.. and I mean like HELL am I stuck on her.. so it's causing me to not appreciate Katie as much as I should I guess.. God, relationships suck so much sometimes, I really don't know what the hell to do. Why can't.. things just be normal.. why couldn't Emili trust me? Why couldn't we just love eachother and not have to worry about it.. of all the things I've said to her, i'm surprised she stills talks to me.. She gave me a free write note.. and it explained about some shit.. it helped matters better.. and it was hella long.. a lot of feelings into it.. and i miss her like hell.. more than that.. to the point where.. i dont even know what i want; death, Emili with Katie, or just no fucking relationship what so ever.. if things keep going this way.. it seems i'll be getting the third choice.. I have Katie a nd Emili.. who do I like more? Who makes me happier? who do I get along with? Either way, one girl is going to end up getting hurt.. DAMN!<nobr> <wbr></nobr>... what a fucking day. RiPe WiT d3cAy 2003-11-18T19:58:29+00:00 bugs